Chewing on Spam
Hey folks! Wuz Happeneen?The Lexiphage has returned!!!(pause while the applause dies down)-----------------------------------------------Spam has come up in several forms this week. Thusly I share it with you all. Microsoft is getting on my nerves again, attempting to get me to use their Livemail Beta nonsense. That's just what we need; already most software hits the market chock-full of bugs, errors, and planned obsolescence, now, Microsoft is going to give it to use before it's even been Beta-tested... soon we'll be paying through the nose for software they haven't even invented yet, and once they get their money they won't bother with actually doing the inventing anyway. Kind of sounds like our government... I have a theory which relates to this. I noticed that shortly after they started pushing their Theoretical Mail Program Which May One Day Exist on me my regular Hotmail started accepting virtually all of my junk mail as regular mail, forcing me to actually pay attention to the various offers from Viagra suppliers, people who want me to loose weight, and nice women who are so attracted to me they apparently want to have sex with me despite not knowing who the hell I am. Of course, honourable mention here must be made for those fine people who e-mail me several times a day to get me to but an inexpensive replica Rolex watch. For those of you who don't know me, I'd more likely buy a mouthful of AIDS virus than a fake Rolex. Or for that matter, a real Rolex. My theory is that Microsoft can't push enough of their crappy pre-product on people without starting to sabotage the one which already works (REALLY sounds like our government now!) so they're giving all the spam companies free back-doors into MY e-mail. Bastards!...The other major Spam issue this week was the trip with my Mum to the Canon Theatre to see Spamalot. For those who haven't seen it, I highly recommend the experience; a high-brow, witty armchair look at history (most especially the Middle Ages), the nature of death, the effectiveness of government, and the plight of the Jews. A good time was had by all, and the audience was moved to sit and chat for a while afterwords due to the powerful, thought-provoking message. ...For those who read the above paragraph, ignore it. Spamalot was a gut-buster, and both Mum and I giggled and tittered for a fair portion of the show. SEE IT! SEE IT NOW!!!!...Gavin was sick yesterday, and Mya got it last night and still is under the weather (as opposed to on top of it? weird expression...) so I'll probably be trapped indoors today. I'll be googling sites therefore on government-designed bio-weaponry and whether spewing a cottage cheese-like substance all over my couch can be blamed on anyone. I won't talk about it over the phone, though- I've been hearing more of those clicks on the line lately and when Paul phones up from the States I get lots of gaps in the sound which can only mean the CRTC is editing phone conversations now. No doubt soon they'll be doing the same with the web. It's okay, though. As usual they do a crappy job of that, too. It's just like **** * *** ******* **** *** ** ******* ********* *** ***** *** *** ** **** **** **** **** ***** *** **** ** ****... * ***** **** *** ***** ** *** ***** **** *** ** *** ****** * ***** **! ******, don't you think?I'm sure it's got to be at least four. ...I'm glad I got that out in the open. As long as people put information like that into th public eye, democracy has a chance. Well, I'll be off now...Until next time, **** **** ***** ** *** ***!The ************ Lexiphage.
Reasons I am Cool
Hey. This is the Lexiphage. How's it hangin'?...I thought I'd do a themed post on, quite frankly, one of the most important subjects on the political minds of today. Ready? Okay, let's get it started...Reason #1: I recently became owner of not one, but 2 oscillationg table fans. With the windows open, they keep the house, and hence myself, pretty darn cool. Reason #2: I'm a hardened criminal. Just ask my ex.Reason #3: I drink lots of coffee. This has two effects on the coolosity quotient- firstly, it stimulates the body to believe it is warmer than it really is by having a direc, if negligable effect on my core temperature, in effect, fooling my body into cooling itself. Secondly, coffee is much cooler than tea (especially herbal or decaf), root beer, or Kool Ade. Think about it. Reason #4: I have long hair, and guys with long hair are cool. Just ask me. Reason #5: Haranguing the government. There's something which never falls out of style in Canada, and now is a good time for it because in Ontario we have a Premier with a mind like a wind-up plastic robot made in Taiwan. (I don't need to name names, do I?)Reason #6: My kids are cool. Just ask me. Reason #7: If you disagree that I'm cool I'll sneak into your house at night and smash all your jars of pickles to pieces. SO YOU'D BETTER AGREE!!!! I'M SERIOUS!!!!!!!...As you can see, Anger Management is having a wonderful effect on my temperment. Also on that front, I am down to 14 cups of coffee a day, drink less than 16 ounces of Scotch per day, and have been off of the cigarettes, glue fumes, cocaine, Ecstacy, LSD, electroshock therapy, base jumping, gummi bears and speed since my last post. I'm hoping to cut down on my other stimulants like Sherlock Holmes with the Seven Percent Solution. Then I can get started with my serious problems. ...On a cheery note, my Mum and I will be attending the theatre tomorrow, where we will blend semmlessly into high society. I'll be extending my pinky finger, talking about my golf game, and pretending I have money to invest. They'll never see me coming, at least until I pull out all those bug bombs......Well, that's it for today. Have a kick-ass day, and I'll see ya when I see ya (there's reason #8- how I talk... cool, eh??)Ciao, the Uber-Cool Lexiphage.
The Thing That Lives Behind the Ketchup
How are ya doin', fans? The Lexiphage once again lurks in the foggy quagmire of Internetland. ...So, the YRT bus people are messing with me now on my Fortress of Anger trips to Wood-a-Bridge; just to prove a point this past Thusday I left the bus station nearly a half-hour earlier than last week, so the bus people decide to let EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD happen on the way there- traffic jams, supervisors popping on the bus to chat, the bus driver forgetting how to hook up the wheelchair gadget, bad weather, the bus running 15 minutes late when I finally caught it and then getting LATER as they went on... I think they're just losing motivation. They don't care if they're late now, because they're just going to turn around and come back again anyway... and lastly, the ENTIRE trip there there weren't ANY attractive women to look at. What the hell? Were they trying to punish me? The only explanation I can think of is... McGuinty. He must be pulling strings again somehow. Or rather, his underlings have been instructed to bother me, because if it was him, he could never be so subtle and devious. Bastards!...I really have to clean my fridge out. Yesterday when I opened the door I was certain I heard Spanish, a quiet "shhh!" and then silence. If there's anything speaking Spanish in my fridge, I may have a freshness problem. Unless it's just Mexican immigrants looking for free air conditioning... no, that would cause a freshness problem too......My daughter Mya has been really communicating lately- her vocabulary now includes "no", "hi", "Dad", "All Gone" (or maybe Al Gore... I'm not sure how interested she is in American politics). Also, my son Gavin's speech has become a lot more clear of late as his social circle increases. The Neighbour Lady says when she babysits him he's much easier to understand... Rock on!...Trouble ahead... the Insane Ex has sent a message that she's moving to Newmarket again... Bradford was bloody close enough. Looks like I'll have to dust off the old restraining order and make sure the cattle prod is nice and fully charged. ...On the getting Mya's birth certificate front, I finally handed in the delayed Birth Registration form, hopefully putting the steel toes to the last issue the government has with the existance of my daughter. Now McGuinty will have to focus on me keeping her with me, what with my horrifying anger problem and the angelic non-crazyness of my foaming-at-the-mouth ex. Apparently she no longer thinks she's Jesus, anyway....I'd better go- there's a mysterious delivery van parked down the street again and I have to go outside with a crowbar to say 'hi'. Then I'll have to spend most of the day (in a comlpletely unrelated story) cleaning my crowbar. My your cereal always be both saturated in milk yet completely crunchy, The Curmudgeonly Lexiphage
The Feindish Convocation
Hello again, computer land, it is I, the Lexiphage. There are several Big Events to report in this episode, so try to keep up. 1) The Evenden Family Reunion went off without a hitch; the smurfs and I had a good time although the smurfs- both Gavin and Mya- previously afraid of water, demanded to spend every possible minute in the pool. My socializing time was a little short as a result, but it was nice to see the kids 'swimming' in the pool (they don't actually know how to swim, so their bouyancy must be supplied by an adult). Mya even said a couple of words, and Gavin had a chat with Grandma. I saw many relatives I hadn't seen in a marmoset's age, and most of them are just as insane as they used to be. Cheryl and John put up with us with remarkable skill. The smurfs and I got home at around 9:45 pm, nearly 2 hours after regular bed hours, and the house was kind of an oven. I left all the upstairs doors open, and in the middle of the night Gavin snuck down to the basement and slept there. Apparently he is not afraid of the dark, 'cuz there weren't any lights on down there, and ony one tiny window, in the part that's my evil laboratory. Fortunately, Gavin did not wake up Victor. The kids woke up this morning at around 10.2) My weekly trips to the Fortress of Anger continue unabated, and I seem to have overcome the insane cabby timeclock so that 5-10 minutes now means only 20 minutes or so on a pretty reliable basis (for those who missed my previous blogs, 5-10 minutes in cabby-ese means long enough that you can wait for a car to evolve from whatever is in your area and take you to your destination before the cab will actually arrive).3) Dalton McGuinty has been stealing my dish soap. I run out of dish soap far too fast for any other explanation to make sense. I imagine he's already run through our tax dollars paying people to decipher the entrails of birds for his next great idea, and needs a new source of revenue. 4) The Insane Ex seems to be settling down in her old age or something, and has been taking the kids every week or two (instead of every month or two) and generally talking less trash, so perhaps they have her on new brain chemicals.5) The smurfs are doing well at their preschool; Mya really tries to communicate with the teachers there, and Gavin has at least two freinds their he hangs out with (read: follows around and studies).Well, I think that's about it... I have a busy day today, handing off children to a few people, restocking my canned food and shotgun shells, and finding a way to log the use of dish soap. See you all in another two to five days for another samizdat, and may the sun shine upon your enemies so you can aim better. Farewell, the Scatalogous Lexiphage.
I lost my bulk discount
Hello-utations yet again, folks, the Lexiphage has once again decided to drag his rear end in front of the computer desk to brag, rant, and generally make an ass of himself. ...It has come to my attention that my posts are becoming less frequent. This may be because I am no longer purchasing my words wholesale and therefore no longer get the great discount I used to. I talked to the people at the Price Club about it, and they said that they had real work to do and I should get some help. ...Yesterday was probably the worst rainstorm in recent memory, so it was valuable for the experience when I wound up outside in it with both the kids in the stroller. I think some kind of Rain God was messing with me because it was erratic enough that I kept getting fooled. To give an example: First thing in the morning, I leave the house with the kids in the stroller to take them to their preschool program. It starts to spit a little, just after I leave, so I have to stop in mid-stride to grab the kids' jackets, but I figure, heck, a little misting never hurt anyone... once I was too far to turn around, I heard a thundercrack that sounded suspiciously like that snorting sound some people make when they try not to laugh, and then four seconds later we were all thouroughly moistened, except where the raincoats covered (except Mya, the rear half of the stroller has a canopy. Only her legs were wet). I got them to school, and while I was inside, the rain slowed down to a drizzle again, so after I dropped them off, I figured I'd do some bill-paying (my favourite activity) and so I was an appropriate distance from cover when the Rain God smote me again.(As an aside here, I must post a disclaimer. Rain God is a well-known term and thusly the one I chose; no disrespect was meant to the Big Man Upstairs... perhaps I should have said Evil Rain Spirit, but that has less of a ring to it).I eventually returned to the kids' school rather saturated, such that I stayed indoors whilst I drip-dried. While I was getting ready to leave once again, Gavin showed his true colours by running out into the rain repeatedly, so he was pretty soaked before we even started. Needless to say, we eventually had to start out again, so I waited for what looked like a thinning out of the downpour, but once again it was merely a lure. We ended up getting on a bus 2 blocks away drenched right through the raincoats (except, once again, for Mya's top half). We arrived home and fired up the hot chocolate, ditched the wet duds, and when the sun came out after that I gave the Rain God the finger and stayed indoors. ...Well, I think that about covers it. I'm gonna go inhale some caffeine. This weekend the maternal half of my ubiquitous family will swarm over my aunt's farm, and doubtless I'll have a horde of embarassing stories to regale you with then. Since I didn't mention the Evil McGuinty in this paticular rant, he'll have to take a Parthian finger as compensation.Au revoir, The Contumely Lexiphage
It's been a long time, not a good time
Hello Folks, once again the Lexiphage has returned!!!Many things have happened in the past 5 days, so I'll try to remember everything. I returned to the Fortress of Anger for Anger Management; the cabbies must have read my rants because one "5-10 minutes" was actually 5-10 minutes, and the other was only 23 minutes, so I was happier than a raccoon in a closed restaurant. Incidentally, in case you're wondering, my anger is much improved, and now I love everybody, and am happy all the time; my anger management classmates spend our time in group hugs and dancing in flowery feilds. Gavin and Mya are doing well; Mya has been going through one of her "I won't eat anything" phases, and therefore has been living on liquids. These usually end when I find a way to trick her into taking a spoonful of something and she remembers she likes the taste of food, so I've been pulling all the stops out in my feindish and convoluted neurons, but no luck so far. Gavin has been whining a lot lately, I'm not sure why, but it's been driving me nuts. He'd much rather cry and wail than simply ask for a drink or something. I know it's difficult for him to talk, but he'd better shape up or I'll have to hire a proffessional caner again. On the up side, he's doing really well with learning his letters; he keeps a Thomas the Tank-Engine alphabet book hidden in his bed and pulls it out as I leave each night, so I only catch glimpses, but I'm sure he's reading it.My biggest fan mentioned something in her last comment about the unreadability of my blog, so I'm now including larger type for all the old folks. I can hardly be critical, though... over the last few years I've noticed myself tilting books away from my eyes while I read and have realized I soon will need bifocals to go with my hearing aids and walker. If any of you young whippersnappers give me too much lip about it I'll throw my false teeth at you.Mr. McGuinty has sent me a few more items of hate mail, altering my tax information for the forth time this year, re-issuing the census form I filled out last month, and he personally saw to it my junk mail increased by another 30 percent. I can't prove it's him, but if it wasn't it's only because he couldn't figure out how to do it and got an aide to do it for him. That's okay, Mr. M... I've got your number too......Well, that's enough writing for now; I have a boil that needs lancing and a pencil that I just freshly sharpened for the job. Until next time, remain vigilant and paranoid, so I know I'm not the only one they're after. Farewell for now, The Insidious Lexiphage
Canada Day...er... whatever
Wuz up, dogs? The Lexiphage is back in the Hood. Everyone have a good Canada Day (or, in the case of those from the previous generation, Dominion Day)? ...Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to set anything belonging to Squinty McGuinty on fire; as a consolation project I sent him a package of something I found in the back of my fridge I couldn't identify. I didn't put a return address on it, but I think he knows where it came from. ...So, I ran into my politician aunt... ooh, sorry... my aunt who maintains an interest in politics, and touched on my political veiwpoints with her. Apparently she has been stonewalled out of all the appropriate country-club dinners, golf course shenanigans, money funnelling, and CIA connections because she doesn't belong to one of the Big Three parties; I have a difficult time believing the Marajuana Party, the Communist Party, or the Christian Heritage Party are involved in the all-encompassing Circle of Evil that currently rules the world. The Green Party has recently been elevated to this coveted status, and therefore they are trying to be extra evil now to make up for the time they've missed. If they get Official Party Status, the can hook into the HRDC computer system that no longer exists but which monitors our every move, like Steven Harper is doing now to gather info on our election preferences (so he says). He hasn't been caught doing anything abysmally stupid yet, so there is a theoretical possibility he's not part of the Circle of Evil either, but if he isn't they'll be using every mind-control technique they learned when the CIA did their research in Quebec in the 1960's to convert him. ...I and my brood of miscreants spent much of the holiday lurking around the Main Street, Newmarket festivities, where it is a fine tradition for the storeowners therein to really put a foot forward to wandangle our cash from us on the pretense of a festival of some sort. It was a load of fun; we ate lots of junk (well, Gavin and I did- Mya still avoids solids and had to make to with her chocolate milk) and I spent a lot of time with the neighbour lady (one of Gavin and Mya's babysitters) and her kids. It was nice to know that if anyone was tailing me they'd have had a hard time keeping up with the crowds. ...The Two Grannies and Grandma are still off in the extreme Eastern Wilderness getting boozed up with people of Irish descent (that, to me, spells trouble) and scouting for whales and iceburgs and so on; when they return no doubt they'l have hoards of stories for us, some of which may be true.Anyhoo, I think I've given the Big Brother computer enough information to sift through; now I shall take my leave of you and concentrate on messing up my kids' minds instead. Shade and Sweet Water to you all, The Munificent Lexiphage.
