The Fall of the Fortress of Anger
Hello once again, and welcome to the Lair of the Lexiphage. I am your host, the Lexiphage, and tonight I will take you on a journey of self-discovery, exploration, and other crap that I won't bother to mention. ...The big news this week is that apparently I am no longer angry; my anger management course at the so-called Fortress of Anger was a smashing success (actually, not that much smashing... er... hugging?... skipping??... errrrrrr... blogging??? oh, well; nothing else seems to work. Smashing it is). And as a result I am now apparently a fully functioning member of society once again. As Mr. Gryper mentioned in his blog, I am still apparently capable of anger, but let's not mention that to the lawyers, judges, and pitchfork-bearing unruly peasants.Now all that follows on that front is to confront the evil coalition of lawyers in the Fortress of Law and demand they reinstate my rights as an unwitting pawn of the government... I mean citizen. This will occur on Tuesday, if all goes according to plan, and soon I will be able to walk down the street carrying a collection of blood-encrusted hatchets, jagged-edged cleavers, peanut products, hate-crime leaflets, and signs which display seditious slogans like "TOO MUCH IMMIGRATION MIGHT BE A BAD THING", or "POLITICIANS WHO STEAL $400,000 OR MORE SHOULD MAYBE BE PUNISHED IN SOME WAY". ...Yeah, I'll probably be arrested again pretty soon......Gavin read his third word yesterday (at least aloud; I think he's read more than that to himself), bringing his collection to "Bob", "Christina", and "Toy". He mispronounced Christina, by pronouncing the "CH", but given that he's a four year old preschooler with autism, that should probably be forgiven......The government has now officially accepted that my kids in fact reside with me in stead of with their Mom in the loonybin... now I am allowed to get the Baby Bonus and even am considered to have done my taxes and everything... I guess McGuinty got a new guy and hasn't explained all the rules to him yet... expect to me to recieve emmigration papers to Zaire and a traffic ticket for Mya in the mail soon. ...My work on the submission of my writing to the various publishing houses continues in the research stage; my best bet appears to be a company which is based out of Alberta and therefore is beyond McGuinty's reach. In response to my various internet, library, and phone activities (which are reported to certain authorities daily) I now recieve several threatening e-mails each day. I am, however, not discouraged, and will continue to spew out libel as fast as I can type until I disappear in the night. TRY AND STOP ME, YOU BASTARDS!!...Well, that about wraps that up. I have to go update my security system and top up my payoff money to the people who are supposed to find me and bring me in. Until next time, stick it to the Man!Ciao, The Iconoclastic Lexiphage
And There Was Much Rejoicing
Hello, everyone! At long last, the Lexiphage has returned!It's been a week since my last post, and verily I say unto you, much has transpired, eh? Peruse all as you desire:...Mr. Gryper has been conspiring to repair my laundry facilities, and after approximately a week of hard labour has succeeded admirably. In celebration I jumped up and down, giggled, filled out a census form which says I'm a middle-aged African-Canadian woman who works with textiles in Newfoundland, and ate TWO tuna sandwiches. For the next moon I plan to lurk in my subterranean lair, wreaking laundry-based havoc to all who cross my path. Many thanks to Mr. Gryper. whose technical expertise vastly outstrips my own. I guess we all have an Achilles Heel, and appliance repair is apparently mine. ...The Smurfs are still attending their corral three times a week, and Gavin's speech, whilst still erratic, is improving in clarity. Mya has developed a new skill- pulling the stuffing out of her beloved baby doll and sucking clumps of it. Apparently she still has not entirely grasped the parent-child relationship as yet......The Fortress of Anger has its (supposedly) last hurrah this Thursday, and following close after that the lawyers who serve on the side of justice will attempt to screw me over and wriggle out of their part of my courtroom deal. Serves me right to deal with lawyers... anyhoo, it is theoretically possible I will be not considered a criminal in as little as eight days. What is the world coming to? If I manage to weasel out of semi-righteous retribution, I plan to send a nice thank-you letter to a certain Mr. McGuinty, detailing how his cronies must have screwed up to keep me out of prison. ...Also of note, a mere seven months after I filed my paperwork, the feds have finally figured out that I have custody of my kids, and apparently my tax issues are now dealt with, only 4 months before the end of the fiscal year. I realize it was a complex concept, and so naturally our government couldn't handle it on its own and contracted out sixteen legal experts from across Europe and Asia, and flew each of them here by way of private jets (they were all in the appropriate countries anyway as the Prime Minister sent out for doughnuts), put them up for the summer in the Royal York Hotel, and paid them consultant fees of $40,000 to $118,000 each. Between the lot of them they finally worked out the meaning of "single father" and sent me a letter pretending they'd known the answer all along....The Insane Ex has recently been ominously quiet... recently I found out from a freind of hers that this is because she is back in the loonybin again under lock and key, so no doubt she'll be showing up on my doorstep any minute with a rusty hatchet and a need for cash. Luckily for me, I'm still more or less broke. ...Well, I think I've treated you people (YOU PEOPLE? what did I mean by that??!!) to enough wisdom, so I'd better go before you get spoiled. Until next time, glare suspiciously over your shoulder!Hugs and kisses, The Obsequious Lexiphage.
The Longest Dry Period Ever
Sorry computer people; apparently I haven't posted for 6 days now, the longest Lexiphage-free period in human history (except of course for before I blogged, but nobody cares about those primitive times).As a result I have a lot to catch up on, so let's get started:------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Fortress of Anger classes have been going well, and I only have two classes left to spend dancing through flowery gardens with sweaty Italian men singing stuff by John Lennon. I'm showing a lot of progress managing my anger because I'm saving it all up for the Crown Attorney responsible for the whole mess. Hee hee!...My brand new used washer and dryer ran smoothly for about a month before the motors in both machines apparently burnt out. Now the washer just soaks the clothes and then leaves them in a soggy heap, then the dryer will let the clothes sit in a soggy heap while it blows a bit of warm air on it. So I guess I'll have to return to the heelish nightmare of the Laundromat. Ick!...The Insane Ex has been relatively unbothersome and only flaunts the law to harass me on the phone about once a week now, and her Dad, who transports the Smurfs to see her and then lurks around having acid flashbacks, seems to be picking them up steadily once every two weeks or so. ...Speaking of the Smurfs, Mya sang using words for the first time this week (she sang "ock, ock" to "rock around the clock", more or less in tune) and is becoming familiar enough with the scary stairs to climb down them almost any time she has to, and even to climb upwards a step or two on special occassions. Despite their encounters with pools so far this summer, neither seems fond of the bath yet. ... Politically, I have been following two subject with some interest- the war (or whatever the Politically Correct Police are calling it this time) in the Middle East and the weather. The weather is probably the least interesting subject under normal circumstances, but this time is an exception. Newmarket has been hit with three tornado-ish storms in the past couple of weeks, yet there has been virtually no really significant damage. The first one knocked over a half a dozen trees in different areas, and the last one knocked the roof clear off of one house without messing up much of anything else. This suggests to me that Newmarket is being used to test a James Bond style Weather Weapon- this one seems precise enough to take out a house without effecting its neighbours, or one tree out of a copse of several... I am investigating this matter thouroughly. I've been lurking on conspiracy theory websites, and yesterday I asked the guy in dark sunglasses who was following me what he knew about the Focussed Weather Weapon. He pretended he had no idea what I was talking about, but I knew better, so later I tailed him and he went to a hairdressers. A HAIRDRESSERS!!!! If that doesn't constitute proof I don't know what does. The Middle East Conflict has been garnering my interest because of the following reasons:1) The Liberals originally sent people to mess around in Afghanistan, but now that they are the opposition apparently Steven Harper somehow engineered the whole thing... obviously if Steven Harper can mess with intellects the likes of Dalton McGuinty and Paul Martin, he can and probably is up to far more convoluted and evil plans, like pitting the Israelis against pretty much everyone, or saving 30 cents on breakfast cereal, or maybe even daring to suggest Martin pay some taxes to Canada instead of the Cayman Islands once in a while. The bastard!2) If someone (sorry, that should read "when") kidnapped some Canadian soldiers, (like several that are still in prisons around the world right now) the official Canadian policy as I understand it is to ask politely if we can have them back, and if that doesn't work, maybe allow the newspapers to publish a heavily edited account of their plight once or twice in an attempt to fool us into thinking somebody's doing something about it, and then maybe our ambassador with have a light lunch and freindly game of golf with that country's leader, the kidnappers, and Satan. Of course all of them would get a range of grants, subsidies and international aid and no victims would be released, but at least a lot of money would be blown and the ambassador wouldn't be out of pocket. Isreal's response is to launch rockets at anything that a kidnapper could conceivably be hiding in, whether that be a secret bunker full of terrorists, a building full of schoolkids, or more likely, both. Interesting contrast, no?...Well, that's enough giving away what I know for now. Anything else you want to know, you'll either have to ask me in the Comments section or find out for yourselves. ...Pip-pip, Cheerio, and all that rot, The Recalcitrant Lexiphage.
Tha Heat
ACK!!! Gasp! HOT!!!!Too... hot... to... type... erg......Must... entertain... readers... aaugh (sound of head falling onto keyboard) yhjc,klbds mvsfdsl,...I think I'm okay now... I have my head packed in a plastic bag of ice cubes. I'll be good until I run out of air. So, this week both the rugrats were sick; I explored the joys of projectile vomit jettisonned liberally over the couch and the various methods to deal with the smell... I was overjoyed at the experience, and lemme tell ya, it just adds to the warm feeling the smurfs give me. Both of the smurfs have also battled fevers and general malaise repeatedly, and thusly are in really sociable moods with almost no shrieking in rage at everything around them for five or six minutes at a time. ...Speaking of warm, I looked out of the window today and saw my sidewalk burst into flames. Noticing the molten texture of the driveway, and the forest out back burning down, I opted to stay indoors as much as possible. Mya actually went willingly into a bath (for splash puposes only, of course... it took about a half an hour for her to warm up to the idea, despite the temperature) and hopefully her gigantic heat rash will fade a little as a result... Tomorrow I have to go out, one way or another, and walk around on what appears to be the surface of our sun; I'll have to bring a gallon or two of water and a tube of SPF 1500 in order to guarantee my survival. I take comfort in the fact that Premier Dalton McGuinty, having been trumpeting the one-tonne-challenge instead of fixing a power plant or two, will no doubt be suffering along with me with his air conditioning shut right off in good faith. Our poor parliamentary representatives, trudging to work on foot to avoid polluting with limosine exhaust, having to lug a bag lunch with them to cut down on waste (not to mention the loose cash from their office budgets- that must weigh a tonne), all while wearing a sweltering three-piece suit (which we, as taxpayers, will no doubt have to replace due to the sweat damage). Mr. McGuinty, keep the faith, man!...Well, I'm almost out of air, so I think I'll pass out now. Talk atcha later, (gasp!)The Asphyxiated Lexiphage.
