Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The heat

Hiya everyone. The Lexiphage once again reporting live from a hole under a bridge.
I suppose everyone has mentioned this, but I just wanted to point out that it was hotter than a guatemalan jalapeno in the Devil's microwave today. My two kids and I sat in the house most of the day on a giant sponge I had to wring out every twenty minutes. Unlike everyone else, however, I have a point I'd like to make about the heat. Two points, actually.
ONE: Anyone who complains about the heat had better shut up this February. It either is a law or should be, that all citizenry of our humble oligarchy have the right to complain about only one season. So pick one and stick with it! That way you have more time to complain about the government, which brings me to my second point.
TWO: I am convinced that the heat is somehow Dalton McGuinty's fault. If you don't believe me, stop and think for a minute: since the Honourable Mr. McGuinty (oops, I'm sorry... I think a small H should have been sufficient) took office exactly what has happened in Ontario that WASN'T his fault? Essentially every profession has been on strike despite the fact that weiner boy is supposed to be of a party that kisses up to public service agencies, union bosses (mostly), big business types AND the poor (generally anyone who asks for money). To fix public health care he's dumped extra taxes on us, kicked around a bunch of nurses, told us we aren't qualified to tell an optometrist we can't see, and now he's telling pharmacists they shouldn't be allowed to make money any more. Really, if he didn't give the order to triple our production of greenhouse gasses in some weird Kyoto-like attack of quasi-logic, it's only because the Lebanese telephone psychic he gets all of his ideas from hasn't got around to that yet. Regardless of whether it really is his fault or not, why bother expending all the energy a serious investigation would require? Even if he's found with the bloddy knife in his hand like Chretien and Martin, he'll probably get away with acting stupid and issuing a vague and insincere apology anyway. Come to think of it, that kind of describes his administration already. My point is, why bother? Do what I do and play the odds. What are the chances anything ISN'T his fault?
...
Besides which, if it isn't his fault it might be mine.
...
Happy Sweating,
Sincerely,
The Pedantic Lexiphage.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Technical Crap

Hi everyone. Bear with me, I have a screwdriver jammed in my hard drive and a couple of wires up my nose to get this to work. Behold... the Lexiphage in all his sticky glory!!!!
Now if only I can get the wires out of my sinus cavity, I'll be halfway there...


Ciao,

The Technosavantic Lexiphage

Crazy People

Hiya, & welcome.
I'll just dive right in here.
So last night my foaming-at-the-mouth ex-wife escaped from lockdown in the mental hospital for the second time in a month. This time instead of scamming a cabbie apparently her and a fellow escapee ripped off someone's car.
Showing that her love for me endures, she immediately called to ask for money.
I told her a good first step would be to call someone who has money (I assumed she wouldn't want to drive up here for the family fortune of $2.97). The cops, in their usual fashion (sorry to the cop, ex-cop & cop-related people in the family) called me up to chat at 1:15 a.m, and were nice enough to give me some info, you know, in case I woke up with a couple of mental patients standing over me giggling and holding my steak knives. How thoughtful. If I go missing over the next couple of days, I leave $10 to the police foundation...
Otherwise things are peachy. Had a good weekend, where I recieved 30% fewer death threats than average. I'm hoping to survive long enough to make sure those nice people at the Hydro company get their money before I end up being roasted on a spit and served with instant mashed potatoes and Kool-aid to a bunch of hungry lunatics. The Hydro company deserves that, especially seeing as how they are always so fiscally responsible.
Hope to write again soon, assuming I still have my fingers attached by then.
Ciao!
-The Paranoid Lexiphage.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Return of the son of the Lexiphage III


Greetings, all. It appears I have finally succumbed to the pressure of my familial counterparts, and begun a Blog of my own. In doing so I hope to condemn the lot of you to endless hours of peering blankly into the terminals of your infernal machines, gradually withering your once-healthy retinae to husks of their former vibrancy. Hope you enjoy it.
Let's see... today Mya was in rare form; she spent her first hour of the day shrieking, kicking and otherwise behaving as if she were on fire until I guessed she wanted chocolate milk for breakfast. When we returned home she shrieked some more for good measure (I believe because I was washing dishes) and then later on shrieked through a diaper change. When Gavin returned from school she shrieked a little, then stole his drink and proceeded to throw it in interesting directions. This was, apparently, NOT because she wanted a drink of her own, but merely for the joy of it. She was quiet when we went out for a walk, but made up for it with a bit of shrieking and a faked injury whilst I prepared supper. She took a short break to eat, and then made up for it while Gavin ate with a bit of shrieking while she stole his corn chips and threw them about the living room. Then she shrieked and giggled while watching Elmo and Baby Einstein before bed. Lastly, after I put her in bed, she shrieked a bit for a change. On the up side, I noticed the shrieking got gradually less annoyed throughout the day.
Gavin was pretty good today, and didn't shriek much at all. His favourite pastime since I started teaching him the alphabet is hollering the names of letters as loud as possible and then giggling histerically. Historically, today he drew the letter "i".
As for myself, today I was really pleased that the government has made a third error on my tax return, but this time it was in my favour and they mailed me a check. Realizing they would soon notice what they had done, I spent it on some much-needed groceries with much enthusiansm and evil cackling. When the black-suited men appeared at my door later in the evening, I pretended I wasn't home. Even now, there is a flower delivery van three doors down the street that has been sitting there for an hour and a half. It has tinted windows. I also got a threatening message on my voice mail from Dalton McGuinty... something about fraud, justice and men with truncheons.
Well, I think I've inflicted enough upon you all. Next time, I think I'll post a picture... I wanted to this time but couldn't find anything with enough malificence.
Bye-Bye now,
The Sociophobic Lexiphage.