A Lexipharious Primer

Hello again everyone. Well, it has been a while since I began blogging, and I figured to start off this edition I would fill in those who are just joining us... I have to do something to fill up this space.
Cast of characters on Lair of the Lexiphage:
The Lexiphage: that's me. Imagine that! If you want to know more get off your lazy butt and read my profile. I change it every once in a while just to keep the Men in Black guessing.

The Smurfs: my two autistic kids. When I forget my usual paranoia I refer to them by their real names, but luckily for everyone today, I'm at my usual trigger-happy, post-traumatic stress disorder frame of mind, and as such will refer to them as the Senior and Smaller Smurfs.

Weiner Boy: my most frequent libel victim, Weiner Boy is this Evil Overlord of Ontario, everyone's favourite poster boy Mr. McGuinty. Weiner Boy is mainly concerned with standing up under his own power and not drooling too much while his handlers train him to bark out lies like a poorly handled seal. I am at odds as to whether Weiner Boy is incredibly dishonest or just stupid, but I'm inclined to believe both, making him a perfect figurehead for the evil puppetmasters that rule our country.

The Circle of Evil: This is the shadowy organization which, through subterfuge and insinuation rule our world for their own, insidious purposes, and include such villians as the cable company, the phone company, most of the government, any expert the newspaper quotes opinons from, Buzz Hargrove, the Liberal Party, Quebec, lawyers in general, Bill Gates, and countless others. Generally they run everything but can be counted on to stymie each other with political backstabbing and power struggles, except when it comes to stamping on the common people of the world, which they all agree to on principle.

Fiddling Granny, Mr Gryper, the Guru, My Biggest Fan, et. al: These are listed in the sidebar over there -----> and comprise primarily blood relatives, extended family, and co-conspirators. Check out their blogs to get a more detailed lowdown on them.

The Men in Black and the Hydro Thugs: These are the evil minions of the Circle of Evil, and generally their multitudinous and ubiquitous organizations spend much of their time and government-funded budget harrassing me. I often enjoy returning the favour.
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If I think about anyone else I can edit this post so it's easy to refer to. In the meanwhile I should vacate my backup bunker as my sonar is picking up footsteps leading up the path, and the footsteps sound like black dress shoes.
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Fiddling Granny has brought it to my attention that I left out The Insane Ex and The Neighbour Lady. Alas, 'tis true; I have been without anything to rant on the subject of the Insane Ex for quite some time now as she is apparently under heavy sedation in a padded room somewhere, such that her blood-curdling howls for several of my internal organs goes unheard... Also, the Neighbour Lady, who is my current main squeeze and the Smurfs' favourite female role model... More on them both, no doubt, in another blog. Thanks, Granny!
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I'll rant about something more productive later,
The Obligatory Lexiphage.

Joe Voter & The Crack

Well apparently Joe Voter did not hear my plea and went to the polls while under the effects of some pharmaceuticals... I didn't hold out much hope for a conclusion that made any sense, and I got more or less what the lowest common denominator has taught me to expect.
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So, our close freind Dalton gets a blank check to treat Ontario as his personal oyster for the next four years because of religious paranoia- apparently, as far as Joe is concerned, every one of those 56,000 religious school students is learning nothing except Suicide Bombing and Destroying Democracy for Beginners. I'm sure most of the Jews in this province are just thrilled about that assessment.
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The smurfs are doing well lately- Gav has been at IBI for more than a month now and usually will tell me something about his day when I take him home. Today he told me, with much enthusiasm, that he'd had some chips. Wahoo! Other recent tidbits from the larger smurf include the following: 1) He doesn't like chicken, but he wants me to get it for him for supper. And he isn't crazy about having anything he does like with it, such as french fries or anything. 2) Gavin loves his couch (despite the fact that it has been the recepticle for several months of hidden food and spilled drinks, and is where the Men in Black put their nerve toxins when we are out. 3) He likes being at daycare when Mya isn't there so she doesn't hog all of the good stuff.
The smaller smurf has been equally enlightened lately, and regularly says new words such as "gum", "Don't want", or "Outside". She has been reading heavily, although I am not certain how much she actually understands...
The Insane Ex has been entirely under wraps for some time now, fortunately for me, although the smurfs mention her from time to time... it seems a sheme that she won't put any effort into seeing them, but, hey, that means more for me!
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My battle with Rogers still rages on, however, later this month I may have enough cash to buy off the right people and persuade them to re-establish my link to the world from within the lair. The Lair has got a mite dusty lately, and it's a shame that so many of my nefarious plans have to be done in full veiw of the Alliance of Evil's spy sattelites. Especially with them getting McGuinty hooked up again.
As an aside here, it occurs to me that this election is yet more evidence that the MK Ultra experiments from Quebec in the 70's were more or less successful, and that the ELF antenna in Alaska is busy contolling most of our minds under the Alliance of Evil's watchful and benevolent gaze... I figure that maybe one-on-one control is a little unrealistic but perhaps tilting 12 million brains 3% towards the McGuinty side of things or a slight increase in religious paranioa would be more than enough to keep all of us cattle in our place.
Well, I have to go now. There's a suspicious character in the library that keeps looking at me and writing in a notepad. Well, a more suspicious character than myself, anyway... I had better make my escape while the gettin' is good.
Until next time, keep one eye over your shoulder and the other straight up (and just try to walk like that)...
The Unserendipitous Lexiphage.