The Multiphageous Smurf

Hello everyone... it is time once again for the Lexiphage! YAY!!!!!
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This week there is some nifty news... Mya, the youngest smurf in the Lexiphamily, has finally begun to eat a variety of solids. Now on the approved list are jellybeans, cupcakes, crackers (apparently- I haven't seen her eat crackers myself) and pizza. Mya treats everything solid in the same way, first licking off any sugar, glaze or icing before systematically breaking the target food into individual crumbs. Once properly sundered, she eats the crumbs one by one and licks any incidental remainders from her hands. She has also begun to tolerate many foods like Cheerios or pretzels, which she still won't eat but seems to be warming to.
It's about frickin' time!
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The Municipal elections are coming to Ontario, and so far it looks like the next mayor of my little hamlet will be an aging rich white male career politician, much to my surprise. As yet, i have not heard which of the candidates, if any, are bilingual... not that it actually matters, but experience has shown me that in order to do well in Canadian electoral politics one has to be an aging rich white male bilingual career politician from either Quebec or a part of Ontario that's within 50 miles of Quebec. This is why, no matter how well Steven Harper may do during his first term of office, whether he personally negotiates world peace, solves world hunger, eliminates the national debt and/or gives everybody in the world a big pile of cash, he will NEVER be re-elected. In the past three decades or so, every Prime Minister has fit my criteria except for Steven Harper and Joe Clark, who only lasted six months or so and both of whom had minority governments. (For those of you crying "What about Kim Campbell?" I remind you I said electoral politics, and as you may recall, Campbell was appointed by Mulroney just before he fled to the states to avoid the multitude of investigations, and was voted out at the first opportunity. Thusly, if ever I hope to rule our fair country I must single-handedly take it by brute force, or change my birth records, quit speaking English and learn French (Tabernac!).
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Little piece of information: A single pretzel has about 12 calories, weighs about 3 grams and has 1 gram of sodium and a half a gram each of carbohydrates and iron. If you eat a 1 pound bag of pretzels, you'll have eaten two and a half ounces of iron... so stay away from magnets.
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That is not precisely accurate, but it is fun, isn't it?
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Oh, well... I'm tired and irritable, so I'm going to go mail a letter to the provicial government suggesting a stupid policy change and forge 1,000 signatures, just to see if the Liberal party has any sudden policy changes.
Bye for now,
The Hagridden Lexiphage.

Pic of the Homestead

Heya fans! Just thought it had been a while since I had posted a work of crayon, and I had time to spare in between knocking billy-goats off of my overpass, so...
Anyhoo, Gav had a good first week of school and Mya had a good first week of full-time daycare; both of them have already begun to show improvement in their speech and have taken the opportunity to unleash their newfound powers against me.
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I finally got the necessary documents to begin the real process of getting Mya's Birth Certificate, and filed them appropriately. Now all I require is to wait TEN MONTHS for the government to catch up, and she'll officially exist. I mentioned something about McGuinty improving the workings of government again to the helpful worker who has been guiding me through the process, but although she declined to comment (she works for him indirectly) she at least did not disagree. In the meanwhile, I also have been granted the forms necessary to apply for her temporary updated Health Card. This is, of course, not a 'real' Health Card as Mya doesn't currently exist, but in 10 months or so I can start the Health Card application process once again and hopefully get her real Health Card before the temporary one expires at the one year mark.
Of course, all this hinges on McGuinty not making any more improvements in the interim to "deal with" the backlog. If that happens, Mya has another few years to not exist (until election time, when, if there are any brain cells left in Ontario, we'll get a new Premier).
Well, I'm a busy man, so you'll have to deal with a short post.
Ciao for now,
The Impenitent Lexiphage.

The Attack of the Smurfs

Salutations, gentlebeings.
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You know, I like fan mail, but am I really that entertaining?
Well, of course I am. Poor folks, going for so long without Lexiphageness... how do you survive?
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Okay, so the Smurfs have been going to an increased school curriculum recently, having started on Monday (in case the Men in Black are messing with my posting time today, that's three days ago). Gavin, the Senior Smurf, has been going to Junior Kindergarten in the afternoons and Daycare in the mornings and Mya has been going to daycare for a massive 5 1/2 hours a day. Gavin's speech is already showing improvement, so it won't be long now 'till we can discuss politics. Mya is talking pretty regularly now, mostly words like "hi" and "Dad" and "expostulatory". She sings occasionally so I'm trying to teach her "Anarchy in the UK" and "Smoking in the Boys' Room". Also of note, the Junior Smurkf has at long last started to eat solids, and rather enjoys a good cupcake or (although I haven't seen this personnally yet) a cracker. I have to start warning her about the danger of racial slurs.
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So I went up to Fiddling Granny's house on the weekend with Mr and Mrs Gryper and the Smurfs, and we had a riot discussing the merits of shuffleboard versus Bingo. The Zookeeper and her male escort swung by (the Zookeeper's offspring were avoiding me apparently) after only a few short hours of directional confusion, and they joined in the conversation and wine might have been mentioned. Of course, being, fine, upstanding citizens without a trace of irresponsibility we avoided openiong more than sixteen bottles between us over lunch. The Zookeeper liked her first experience with this beverage so much, she suggested we might enjoy making it competatively for four hours or so next year. She then went on to suggest we should get together for a corn roast, get shittered and hurl over her fence.
Gosh, my cockles got warm there.
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Well, I have to go now and put the smurfs in their classes for the day. Also, I have to put more feeding solution in the fish tank I have in my lab; my clone is nearing maturity and has quite the appetite. I figure if I can be in two places at once McGuinty will get even more confused, and let's face it, I won't be happy until he's sucking his thumb in the fetal position.
So until next time, I hope you're all happy, feeding my ego like that.
Aloha,
The Megalomaniacal Lexiphage.

An Even Longer Dry Spell

Salutations, Lexiphans!
I have finally returned, escaped from a dark underground facility in Southeast Asia that makes Guatanamo Bay look like Club Fed. Everyone's favourite idiot, Mr. McGuinty, had my handlers all shot as a result, or rather he would have except he passed a law which forced all evil torture prisons to fill out 16,000 forms before sending out mail-order for bullets. Apparently 2 years into their mandate, they're only 3 years from their first order.
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So, I am no longer a criminal; the Crown Attorneys in their infinite wisdom have seen fit to stop punishing me for being threatened with a knife. As a result McGuinty must find new charges to trump up, or maybe they'll just send the Men in Black. If our wise and munificent premier has anything to do with it, no doubt they'll pick up a black woman in Kazahkstan due to a screwed up order or something, and then spend the next three years figuring out it isn't me in a disguise of some kind.
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Speaking of McGuinty, apparently now the autism therapy problem for my kids is all better; in fact despite the fact that the budget for their therapy went into General Revenue to pay for rub-and-tug massages for the provincial cabinet they had every honourable intention of spending it where they said they would despite the fact they had actually not hired any teachers or therapists or even passed the money along to someone with the power or inclination to do so... Of course it would have been rediculous to use the money to train more therapists, or research where to find more therapists, or even load the cash onto a catapult and launch it towards the nearest university so long as they promise to promote the liberal party in time for the next election. I'm not worried, though. Despite the fact that every stupid excuse imaginable has been made to say

A) The Ontario Liberals never actually wanted to cut the funding,
B) The Ontario Liberals always had the funding in place,
C) It wasn't the Ontario Liberals fault the money wasn't spent on autism programs as promised and instead was used to fix a smidge of their idiotic budget problems in a deperate attempt to make McGuinty look like his IQ is actually higher than 12
D) Despite ripping off disabled kids for extra cash it's taken them 2 years to balance the budget, and now they're sitting on a huge surplus which will no doubt vanish in some stupid accident which also won't be their fault and the kids won't get the cash back that was ripped off in the first place
and
E) The Ontario Liberals aren't really mean-spirited, corrupt or politically incorrect, they are just incompetent

despite this they've been hosing money all over everything in a desperate attempt to jury-rig their reputation into something less embarassing, and odds are sooner or later they'll accidentally hit what they said they would. Probably.
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In a quick aside, apparently the Crocodile Hunter died this past week when a sting ray accidentally stuck its poisonous barb right through his heart (Crikey!- Who'd have seen that one coming?) Goodbye Mr. Irwin, be a little more careful in the next life, eh?
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Well, I think that's just about enough damage for one day. Hopefully I won't be so distracted in the coming week and you'll hear from me a little more often.

Ciao for now,
The Inflammatory Lexiphage