An Even Longer Dry Spell
Salutations, Lexiphans!
I have finally returned, escaped from a dark underground facility in Southeast Asia that makes Guatanamo Bay look like Club Fed. Everyone's favourite idiot, Mr. McGuinty, had my handlers all shot as a result, or rather he would have except he passed a law which forced all evil torture prisons to fill out 16,000 forms before sending out mail-order for bullets. Apparently 2 years into their mandate, they're only 3 years from their first order.
...
So, I am no longer a criminal; the Crown Attorneys in their infinite wisdom have seen fit to stop punishing me for being threatened with a knife. As a result McGuinty must find new charges to trump up, or maybe they'll just send the Men in Black. If our wise and munificent premier has anything to do with it, no doubt they'll pick up a black woman in Kazahkstan due to a screwed up order or something, and then spend the next three years figuring out it isn't me in a disguise of some kind.
...
Speaking of McGuinty, apparently now the autism therapy problem for my kids is all better; in fact despite the fact that the budget for their therapy went into General Revenue to pay for rub-and-tug massages for the provincial cabinet they had every honourable intention of spending it where they said they would despite the fact they had actually not hired any teachers or therapists or even passed the money along to someone with the power or inclination to do so... Of course it would have been rediculous to use the money to train more therapists, or research where to find more therapists, or even load the cash onto a catapult and launch it towards the nearest university so long as they promise to promote the liberal party in time for the next election. I'm not worried, though. Despite the fact that every stupid excuse imaginable has been made to say
A) The Ontario Liberals never actually wanted to cut the funding,
B) The Ontario Liberals always had the funding in place,
C) It wasn't the Ontario Liberals fault the money wasn't spent on autism programs as promised and instead was used to fix a smidge of their idiotic budget problems in a deperate attempt to make McGuinty look like his IQ is actually higher than 12
D) Despite ripping off disabled kids for extra cash it's taken them 2 years to balance the budget, and now they're sitting on a huge surplus which will no doubt vanish in some stupid accident which also won't be their fault and the kids won't get the cash back that was ripped off in the first place
and
E) The Ontario Liberals aren't really mean-spirited, corrupt or politically incorrect, they are just incompetent
despite this they've been hosing money all over everything in a desperate attempt to jury-rig their reputation into something less embarassing, and odds are sooner or later they'll accidentally hit what they said they would. Probably.
...
In a quick aside, apparently the Crocodile Hunter died this past week when a sting ray accidentally stuck its poisonous barb right through his heart (Crikey!- Who'd have seen that one coming?) Goodbye Mr. Irwin, be a little more careful in the next life, eh?
...
Well, I think that's just about enough damage for one day. Hopefully I won't be so distracted in the coming week and you'll hear from me a little more often.
Ciao for now,
The Inflammatory Lexiphage
I have finally returned, escaped from a dark underground facility in Southeast Asia that makes Guatanamo Bay look like Club Fed. Everyone's favourite idiot, Mr. McGuinty, had my handlers all shot as a result, or rather he would have except he passed a law which forced all evil torture prisons to fill out 16,000 forms before sending out mail-order for bullets. Apparently 2 years into their mandate, they're only 3 years from their first order.
...
So, I am no longer a criminal; the Crown Attorneys in their infinite wisdom have seen fit to stop punishing me for being threatened with a knife. As a result McGuinty must find new charges to trump up, or maybe they'll just send the Men in Black. If our wise and munificent premier has anything to do with it, no doubt they'll pick up a black woman in Kazahkstan due to a screwed up order or something, and then spend the next three years figuring out it isn't me in a disguise of some kind.
...
Speaking of McGuinty, apparently now the autism therapy problem for my kids is all better; in fact despite the fact that the budget for their therapy went into General Revenue to pay for rub-and-tug massages for the provincial cabinet they had every honourable intention of spending it where they said they would despite the fact they had actually not hired any teachers or therapists or even passed the money along to someone with the power or inclination to do so... Of course it would have been rediculous to use the money to train more therapists, or research where to find more therapists, or even load the cash onto a catapult and launch it towards the nearest university so long as they promise to promote the liberal party in time for the next election. I'm not worried, though. Despite the fact that every stupid excuse imaginable has been made to say
A) The Ontario Liberals never actually wanted to cut the funding,
B) The Ontario Liberals always had the funding in place,
C) It wasn't the Ontario Liberals fault the money wasn't spent on autism programs as promised and instead was used to fix a smidge of their idiotic budget problems in a deperate attempt to make McGuinty look like his IQ is actually higher than 12
D) Despite ripping off disabled kids for extra cash it's taken them 2 years to balance the budget, and now they're sitting on a huge surplus which will no doubt vanish in some stupid accident which also won't be their fault and the kids won't get the cash back that was ripped off in the first place
and
E) The Ontario Liberals aren't really mean-spirited, corrupt or politically incorrect, they are just incompetent
despite this they've been hosing money all over everything in a desperate attempt to jury-rig their reputation into something less embarassing, and odds are sooner or later they'll accidentally hit what they said they would. Probably.
...
In a quick aside, apparently the Crocodile Hunter died this past week when a sting ray accidentally stuck its poisonous barb right through his heart (Crikey!- Who'd have seen that one coming?) Goodbye Mr. Irwin, be a little more careful in the next life, eh?
...
Well, I think that's just about enough damage for one day. Hopefully I won't be so distracted in the coming week and you'll hear from me a little more often.
Ciao for now,
The Inflammatory Lexiphage
posted by The Lexiphage at 8:55 a.m.
2 Comments:
Aw, c'mon, have some faith, I'm sure that in no time at all McWeinie will have all the 76 autistic kids who are on waiting lists getting the appropriate therapy.
Oh ... wait a minute, that's number was from when his government took over, now it's 750+ kids who are waiting for help.
Is there really that many?
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