Reasons I am Cool
Hey. This is the Lexiphage. How's it hangin'?
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I thought I'd do a themed post on, quite frankly, one of the most important subjects on the political minds of today. Ready? Okay, let's get it started...
Reason #1: I recently became owner of not one, but 2 oscillationg table fans. With the windows open, they keep the house, and hence myself, pretty darn cool.
Reason #2: I'm a hardened criminal. Just ask my ex.
Reason #3: I drink lots of coffee. This has two effects on the coolosity quotient- firstly, it stimulates the body to believe it is warmer than it really is by having a direc, if negligable effect on my core temperature, in effect, fooling my body into cooling itself. Secondly, coffee is much cooler than tea (especially herbal or decaf), root beer, or Kool Ade. Think about it.
Reason #4: I have long hair, and guys with long hair are cool. Just ask me.
Reason #5: Haranguing the government. There's something which never falls out of style in Canada, and now is a good time for it because in Ontario we have a Premier with a mind like a wind-up plastic robot made in Taiwan. (I don't need to name names, do I?)
Reason #6: My kids are cool. Just ask me.
Reason #7: If you disagree that I'm cool I'll sneak into your house at night and smash all your jars of pickles to pieces. SO YOU'D BETTER AGREE!!!! I'M SERIOUS!!!!!!!
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As you can see, Anger Management is having a wonderful effect on my temperment. Also on that front, I am down to 14 cups of coffee a day, drink less than 16 ounces of Scotch per day, and have been off of the cigarettes, glue fumes, cocaine, Ecstacy, LSD, electroshock therapy, base jumping, gummi bears and speed since my last post. I'm hoping to cut down on my other stimulants like Sherlock Holmes with the Seven Percent Solution. Then I can get started with my serious problems.
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On a cheery note, my Mum and I will be attending the theatre tomorrow, where we will blend semmlessly into high society. I'll be extending my pinky finger, talking about my golf game, and pretending I have money to invest. They'll never see me coming, at least until I pull out all those bug bombs...
...
Well, that's it for today. Have a kick-ass day, and I'll see ya when I see ya (there's reason #8- how I talk... cool, eh??)
Ciao, the Uber-Cool Lexiphage.
...
I thought I'd do a themed post on, quite frankly, one of the most important subjects on the political minds of today. Ready? Okay, let's get it started...
Reason #1: I recently became owner of not one, but 2 oscillationg table fans. With the windows open, they keep the house, and hence myself, pretty darn cool.
Reason #2: I'm a hardened criminal. Just ask my ex.
Reason #3: I drink lots of coffee. This has two effects on the coolosity quotient- firstly, it stimulates the body to believe it is warmer than it really is by having a direc, if negligable effect on my core temperature, in effect, fooling my body into cooling itself. Secondly, coffee is much cooler than tea (especially herbal or decaf), root beer, or Kool Ade. Think about it.
Reason #4: I have long hair, and guys with long hair are cool. Just ask me.
Reason #5: Haranguing the government. There's something which never falls out of style in Canada, and now is a good time for it because in Ontario we have a Premier with a mind like a wind-up plastic robot made in Taiwan. (I don't need to name names, do I?)
Reason #6: My kids are cool. Just ask me.
Reason #7: If you disagree that I'm cool I'll sneak into your house at night and smash all your jars of pickles to pieces. SO YOU'D BETTER AGREE!!!! I'M SERIOUS!!!!!!!
...
As you can see, Anger Management is having a wonderful effect on my temperment. Also on that front, I am down to 14 cups of coffee a day, drink less than 16 ounces of Scotch per day, and have been off of the cigarettes, glue fumes, cocaine, Ecstacy, LSD, electroshock therapy, base jumping, gummi bears and speed since my last post. I'm hoping to cut down on my other stimulants like Sherlock Holmes with the Seven Percent Solution. Then I can get started with my serious problems.
...
On a cheery note, my Mum and I will be attending the theatre tomorrow, where we will blend semmlessly into high society. I'll be extending my pinky finger, talking about my golf game, and pretending I have money to invest. They'll never see me coming, at least until I pull out all those bug bombs...
...
Well, that's it for today. Have a kick-ass day, and I'll see ya when I see ya (there's reason #8- how I talk... cool, eh??)
Ciao, the Uber-Cool Lexiphage.
posted by The Lexiphage at 8:23 a.m.
1 Comments:
You didn't mention Reason #8 - you descended from a long line of Evendens - scofflaws for many generations back.
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