Screaming Peanut Death
Aloha from the office of the Lexiphage!
Woah... here comes someone respectable. Quick! Pretend you're reading a celebrity gossip column! Whew. That was a close one.
Today I spent piles of time with my brood of skulduggerous munchkins, and watched more hours of 'Beauty and the Beast' than polite words can express. If anyone says "Bonjour" to me I'm gonna lose it!
Back to reality... I have a question for everyone. Is it just me, or are the public school boards run by demented lunatics? (How's that for a return to reality?) I have a problem with this peanut thing and how 998.8 kids out of every 1000 have to cut out peanut butter because the parents of the remaining 1.2 kids can't tell them DON'T EAT THE POISON. Gavin and Mya (my kids) are both preschoolers and autistic, and I have never EVEN ONCE had to tell either of them "No, kids... don't eat the power saw blade while it's running. NO!" If Gavin attempts to steal a mouthful from a beer or glass of wine from one of the grown-ups, I just say "Gav, that's a grown-up drink," and he leaves it alone. But these few kids with HORRIFYING DEADLY ALLERGIES are apparently also born with another disability- STUPID PARENTS and/or STUPID SCHOOL BOARD REPRESENTATIVES. You know what I think would be good to keep out of schools? How about FIREARMS. I'm not a devout gun-control nut, but I know I've heard of a lot more deaths in public schools from bullets than peanuts. I'm willing to bet that more kids are vulnerable to anaphalactic shock from BEING SHOT than EATING AN M&M.
Fortunately, we don't have to worry about either, because our all-knowing government has seen fit to protect us from ourselves by removing the need for us to exercise our own brain cells. And really, isn't that what our society needs?
For example, instead of worrying about nuclear waste being generated by all the new nuke plants McGuinty and his handlers are hollering about, waste that will essentially NEVER go away, and will remain horrifyingly deadly to any living thing exposed to it for millenia to come, instead let's worry about school populations being wiped out in second because a drug dealer smuggled a peanut butter cup into math class. I mean, haven't you seen the commercials? The government says nuclear energy is clean, and shows pictures of blue sky when they say it!
...
Well, I'm convinced.
...
Thanks for listening... er... reading. I needed to get that off of my chest. I feel much better now. I think I'll go have some peanut butter on toast.
See ya on the flipside,
The Fastidious Lexiphage.
Woah... here comes someone respectable. Quick! Pretend you're reading a celebrity gossip column! Whew. That was a close one.
Today I spent piles of time with my brood of skulduggerous munchkins, and watched more hours of 'Beauty and the Beast' than polite words can express. If anyone says "Bonjour" to me I'm gonna lose it!
Back to reality... I have a question for everyone. Is it just me, or are the public school boards run by demented lunatics? (How's that for a return to reality?) I have a problem with this peanut thing and how 998.8 kids out of every 1000 have to cut out peanut butter because the parents of the remaining 1.2 kids can't tell them DON'T EAT THE POISON. Gavin and Mya (my kids) are both preschoolers and autistic, and I have never EVEN ONCE had to tell either of them "No, kids... don't eat the power saw blade while it's running. NO!" If Gavin attempts to steal a mouthful from a beer or glass of wine from one of the grown-ups, I just say "Gav, that's a grown-up drink," and he leaves it alone. But these few kids with HORRIFYING DEADLY ALLERGIES are apparently also born with another disability- STUPID PARENTS and/or STUPID SCHOOL BOARD REPRESENTATIVES. You know what I think would be good to keep out of schools? How about FIREARMS. I'm not a devout gun-control nut, but I know I've heard of a lot more deaths in public schools from bullets than peanuts. I'm willing to bet that more kids are vulnerable to anaphalactic shock from BEING SHOT than EATING AN M&M.
Fortunately, we don't have to worry about either, because our all-knowing government has seen fit to protect us from ourselves by removing the need for us to exercise our own brain cells. And really, isn't that what our society needs?
For example, instead of worrying about nuclear waste being generated by all the new nuke plants McGuinty and his handlers are hollering about, waste that will essentially NEVER go away, and will remain horrifyingly deadly to any living thing exposed to it for millenia to come, instead let's worry about school populations being wiped out in second because a drug dealer smuggled a peanut butter cup into math class. I mean, haven't you seen the commercials? The government says nuclear energy is clean, and shows pictures of blue sky when they say it!
...
Well, I'm convinced.
...
Thanks for listening... er... reading. I needed to get that off of my chest. I feel much better now. I think I'll go have some peanut butter on toast.
See ya on the flipside,
The Fastidious Lexiphage.
posted by The Lexiphage at 9:42 p.m.
1 Comments:
I know it seems unreasonable about banning peanuts, but the reality is, that some people only have to have a peanut butter jar opened in the same house and they will go into anaphalactic shock and die within moments.
It's really scary that someone I know has to carry *two* epipens in case her 6 year old is even exposed to a slight whiff of a peanut.
Hard to imagine that the lowly peanut butter that we all grew up on can be anthing but yummy.
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