Another Month Worth of Progress
Greetings, fellow web-wanderers, I, The Lexiphage, have returned!!
Lots of boring junk has come out lately so I'll waste no time in troweling it out for you to peruse at your leisure, or ignore if you'd rather.
Item #1: My cholesterol is apparently back within mortal parameters, hiving reduced in 3 months from 8.6 to 4.94. I'm told this means I'm no longer a walking stick of butter, and may even live out the year free of impending doom. Obviously they don't know me very well...
Item #2: The Lexiphage's Horrifying Muffins of Evil:
You'll need 1.5 cups of organic raw sugar, 3 free-range eggs, 1 tablespoon of vanilla, 1 teaspoon each of baking powder & baking soda (I can never tell those two apart), a whack of ground cinnamon, a cup of vegetable oil (keep it light but un-chemically), 3 cups whole wheat flour, and a bit of salt. The Secret Ingredients are a half a cup of orange juice, a cup of grated carrot, as big a blob of peanut butter as you can scoop up with a tablespoon, around a quarter cup of chopped broccoli (really cooked and soggy), some parmesan cheese, a bit of cocoa powder, a squirt of lemon juice, and 30 some-odd years of pent up rage. (This last one replaces the usual secret ingredient of love, which in my opinion has no place with baked goods. Those of you who have seen American Pie will know what I mean.)
What you do then: Violently jam the eggs , sugar and oil into a bowl and mangle them until you can't tell them apart. Once they are reduced to a slimy pudding, drop in the Secret Ingredients and vanilla and twist that gunk until it begs for mercy. By now it'll be fairly stiff and uncooperative, and it will only get moreso as you add the rest of that crap. Wrestle it into submission (I like to pound it with my fist a little and pretend I'm strangling it for around 10 minutes), and make sure it's too liquidy to put up any more of a struggle. drip that goop into a muffin tin (you may need to grease it), and toss that bad boy into a preheated oven (say, 300 degrees for 20 or 25 minutes). Pull 'em out- they'll be hot- and as soon as they are cool enough, pluck 'em from the muffin tin and stuff them into your drooling piehole.
Wasn't that beautiful?
My autistic kids love 'em, and they have all 4 food groups in there (the dairy is a bit of a stretch, but the cheese is something), so it's great for lazy people like myself.
...
Both the smurfs have the flu AGAIN, and Mya was wrestling with a fever for a day or so. Now they seem to be peachy except for a bit of snot, which is par for the course with rugrats anyway (I just had to remove a booger plug from each of my daughter's nostrils, which I love doing). McGuinty is still trying to tell me to stick the anti-flu sharpened spike into 'em, what with how they've already injected them with several hundred times the lethal level of mercury anyway... I for some reason have trouble with his sincerity and generally speaking would rather trust someone with a hockey mask and running chainsaw.
...
Well, being Canadian, I now have to go and pay taxes for a few weeks. In the unlikely event that the government says "Okay, pal, you've given us enough money... why not keep a few bucks for yourself?" I'll send you another nugget of wisdom.
Ciao for now,
The Beleaguered Lexiphage.
Lots of boring junk has come out lately so I'll waste no time in troweling it out for you to peruse at your leisure, or ignore if you'd rather.
Item #1: My cholesterol is apparently back within mortal parameters, hiving reduced in 3 months from 8.6 to 4.94. I'm told this means I'm no longer a walking stick of butter, and may even live out the year free of impending doom. Obviously they don't know me very well...
Item #2: The Lexiphage's Horrifying Muffins of Evil:
You'll need 1.5 cups of organic raw sugar, 3 free-range eggs, 1 tablespoon of vanilla, 1 teaspoon each of baking powder & baking soda (I can never tell those two apart), a whack of ground cinnamon, a cup of vegetable oil (keep it light but un-chemically), 3 cups whole wheat flour, and a bit of salt. The Secret Ingredients are a half a cup of orange juice, a cup of grated carrot, as big a blob of peanut butter as you can scoop up with a tablespoon, around a quarter cup of chopped broccoli (really cooked and soggy), some parmesan cheese, a bit of cocoa powder, a squirt of lemon juice, and 30 some-odd years of pent up rage. (This last one replaces the usual secret ingredient of love, which in my opinion has no place with baked goods. Those of you who have seen American Pie will know what I mean.)
What you do then: Violently jam the eggs , sugar and oil into a bowl and mangle them until you can't tell them apart. Once they are reduced to a slimy pudding, drop in the Secret Ingredients and vanilla and twist that gunk until it begs for mercy. By now it'll be fairly stiff and uncooperative, and it will only get moreso as you add the rest of that crap. Wrestle it into submission (I like to pound it with my fist a little and pretend I'm strangling it for around 10 minutes), and make sure it's too liquidy to put up any more of a struggle. drip that goop into a muffin tin (you may need to grease it), and toss that bad boy into a preheated oven (say, 300 degrees for 20 or 25 minutes). Pull 'em out- they'll be hot- and as soon as they are cool enough, pluck 'em from the muffin tin and stuff them into your drooling piehole.
Wasn't that beautiful?
My autistic kids love 'em, and they have all 4 food groups in there (the dairy is a bit of a stretch, but the cheese is something), so it's great for lazy people like myself.
...
Both the smurfs have the flu AGAIN, and Mya was wrestling with a fever for a day or so. Now they seem to be peachy except for a bit of snot, which is par for the course with rugrats anyway (I just had to remove a booger plug from each of my daughter's nostrils, which I love doing). McGuinty is still trying to tell me to stick the anti-flu sharpened spike into 'em, what with how they've already injected them with several hundred times the lethal level of mercury anyway... I for some reason have trouble with his sincerity and generally speaking would rather trust someone with a hockey mask and running chainsaw.
...
Well, being Canadian, I now have to go and pay taxes for a few weeks. In the unlikely event that the government says "Okay, pal, you've given us enough money... why not keep a few bucks for yourself?" I'll send you another nugget of wisdom.
Ciao for now,
The Beleaguered Lexiphage.
posted by The Lexiphage at 9:39 a.m.
2 Comments:
Have you ever thought of writing for a gourmet cooking magazine? You description are you beautifully done, I cn imagine that they'd all be clamouring to pay you to write for them. Try Fine Cooking, Bon Appetit or Food & Drink ... they're waiting for you.
Popular Mechanics might be a thought too!
Are you sure about the oven temperature seems low for baking muffins?
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